LAST WEEK'S SINGLE REVIEWS

Meet ex-Verve frontman Richard Ashcroft's new band. Now, there was a time in the late 1990s where it appeared that Ashcroft was going to be THE songwriter of the 21st Century. However, even Paul The Octopus wouldn't have predicted that in 2010 Ashcroft would be born again but unfortunately be releasing songs that sound like friggin' M People.

Although - to give Richard some credit - at least he is experimenting with a different style of music. It is catchy and not the worst thing you have ever heard, but is seriously let down by cliché -ridden lyrics and a laughable "na na na na na na come on, one life...oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah" bit. So why is this at the top of this reviews page then? Well, there was honestly nothing better! Hang your heads in shame music industry.
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The Pipettes were formed in mid-2003 by singer-songwriter and promoter Monster Bobby with the intention of reviving the Phil Spector pop sound and giving it a modern twist while dressing it in polka dots. Former backing band members include guys from Electric Soft Parade, Brakes, and Joe from Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong (what happened to them?) on drums.

Sadly, it didn't really take off. All original members have left - which makes them like an alternative to the Sugababes for the indie crowd. They've reinvented themselves recently as a big shiny pop group, leaving behind the realm of the three female harmony girl-group that were like the cool punkier girlie offspring of The Housemartins. This is good-ish, but also instantly forgettable.
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Beatsteaks are a punk band that formed during 1995 in Berlin. The band have four previous clattering punk albums - with the climax so far and was being awarded Platinum status in their native Germany. Although, the fact that David Hasselhoff is a household musical name there doesn't really bode too well for this.

But you will be grateful to hear that his is much better than David Hasselhoff's work - apart from Baywatch and Knightrider of course! If Feeder adopted some German origins, really let go with the punk elements and became a bit shouty, the result may sound similar. Good, but not brilliant.
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Pendulum's current musical style consists of a fusion of electronica and alternative rock. It's like a watered-down Aussie version of The Prodigy mixed with a boy band. Oh great.

The synths sound cheesy, and it all builds up, with the harmonious wails with the traditional horrible noise that features in nightclubs. Bits of this are OK - like when it all explodes, the bass drops out, the drums go crazy - but...I can't believe we are about to say this...but you just long for a bit of a Keith Flint venom-filled delivery to give it a bit of edge.
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You can either blame the influence of A) Coldplay, B) Mika, or C) Idiots, but after spending their early years as a pub band, Harrow trio Scouting for Girls sold nearly a million copies of their eponymous 2008 debut to mindless simpletons who enjoyed spineless twoddle.

That aside, there are things which are quite good about this - mainly that it is only 2 minutes and 37 seconds long. But the churning Toploader-esque sounds out of our speakers with the predictable and annoying "woohoo" noises mean that you will have to be far more forgiving than us to enjoy this.
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American Idol breakthrough star Adam Lambert releases Whataya Want From Me, who, despite finishing runner-up in the show, has thankfully - but to the disappointment of Rimmel - yet to cause the sales of eyeliner to increase amongst men.

The track was originally recorded and co-written by Pink for the album Funhouse but it didn't make the final cut. Why didn't it make the final cut? Probably because ALL her other songs sound exactly like this! The guitar bits are passable in a poppier Red Hot Chilli Peppers-esque way, but the big chorus will just sound like "another" Pink (who is on backing vocals) song to most of you - so you'll be best to avoid this if you own a penis. By the way, does this guy use boot polish on his eyebrows?
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Diana Vickers - who finished as a semi-finalist on ITV's little known television programme X Factor - releases a disco inspired single. Oh joy.

This is a cheesy disco pop track from her debut album, Songs From The Tainted Cherry Tree, about a nasty boy who broke her heart. Awwww. The poor girl. But surely she should be more concerned about her ability to pronounce simple syllables correctly? We don't know anything about her love life, but we can only assume that the boy left because of her stupid singing voice.
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Life size troll dolls, Jedward, release another money-making single. Everyone reach for the earplugs now! This time it's a cover of Blink 182's signature tune...and it sounds exactly the same as the original, but just with slightly worse vocals.

So let's move on from this unfortunate hair-raising blemish on the history of television and popular music with what remaining dignity we can muster, and put everyone out of their misery just a little bit sooner by not supporting this record label fallacy for a minute longer? Agreed? It's just a shame the best option this week is that Richard Ashcroft tune. Sh*t! Maybe next week then?
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